10 Day You Challenge: eight fears

(ten secrets / ten nine loves)

I have a lot of fears.  I'm generally a huge worrywart and my anxiety is crazy high.  Poor Marek has luckily learned what to expect.  Last night we were talking and I was talking about what happens in bypass surgery and then I started talking to him about varicose veins and how my doctor said I had them once but I don't think I do, but if I do, I am afraid of getting older and having ugly bulging veins on my legs, so that is why I don't cross my legs that much.  Then Marek started laughing a little, and I said, "No, no, I'm totally serious" (because I WAS) and then he started laughing even more and then said, "Oh, trust me, I know how totally serious you are."

1.  Being killed through blunt force trauma to the head.  Specifically, I have a big fear of being hit in the head with a hammer.

2.  When my dog and my parents will die.  All I have to do is start thinking about this and I start crying.  Claudius was my first real pet (sorry, Dingus, Leroy, Harry (RIP), and Eddie), and if he lives 15 years, I'll be 40 when he dies.  I can't even think about it.  And then my parents -- we're so much closer now that I'm older and I'll be truly devastated when they're gone.  I rely on them for so much that I really am afraid what it will be like when they're no longer around.  (I don't worry about this for Marek yet, because I know he's going to be around forever!!)

3.  I'll never want to have kids.  When I was in college, I wanted to get married young and have kids young.  Neither of those things have happened yet, and the longer I wait, the less I want to have children.  Growing up, I could never imagine not being a mom, but as time goes on, it keeps moving farther out of the picture.  Will I ever be ready to have kids?

4.  I'll never learn how to cope properly.  I have extremely bad methods of coping when things are going badly.  I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a huge crybaby and I am the first to admit that I have a really bad temper, but even besides that, I cope with things in a very, very unhealthy manner.  I'm not going to get into it, but it's something I've been doing for a very long time.  And coupled with #3, what if it's genetic?  what if my kids are pre-disposed to cope like I do?

5.  People truly think I'm mean (or annoying).  I am a total judger/hater/whatever you want to call it, and I say plenty of mean things (who doesn't?).  I think my entire life I've met only a couple of genuinely nice people who can't really say bad things about anyone.  And while I'm not one of those people, the truth is that I am afraid that people think I actually am a mean person at heart because of the comments I make -- because I'm not.  Honest.  (And as for the annoying part...it was something I was called in high school and is serious baggage I have dragged around with me since.  I'm always on edge, being overly concerned with not wanting to annoy people -- family, friends, co-workers, strangers, anyone.)

6.  Gaining weight.  Between the end of high school and the end of college, I gained in the neighborhood of 40-50 pounds.  I managed to lose 30 pounds by cutting soda and alcohol out of my diet and eating breakfast every day, but I live in constant fear of even a little weight gain.  When we moved to NYC, I lost ten pounds through the sheer stress of the whole process alone, and I've managed to gain most of back.  I freak out by the tiniest upward movement on the scale, and refuse to get rid of my "fat" pants for fear of gaining all that weight back.  I lost all that weight over five years ago, and I still dress as if I were 10-20 pounds heavier.

7.  Having no "real" friends.  I love social media (hello, spilling my guts here on the blog), but I also hate in that - in my opinion - it has blurred the lines of friendship.  Sometimes in a good way, and sometimes in a bad way.  I have enough things I struggle with friend-wise (which doesn't seem to make sense, since isn't that kind of the opposite point of having friends?), but one thing I keep coming back to over and over again is wondering who my "real" friends are?  And what if, in the end, I don't have any "real" friends?

8.  Not being financially stable.  I can't complain about my financial situation - I have a good job, a place to live, food to eat, can pay my bills, etc.  But I've never been good with money and I'm a horrible saver (I've tried, really, I have).  As I get older, I'm reminded more and more of the fact that I should be more fiscally responsible (hello, dropping who knows how much money to go to Colts games all fall and HELLO, Peyton Manning isn't even playing, although it's not like I knew that when I bought the tickets), but I wonder when I will ever get to where I want to be -- and sometimes I'm afraid that I never will.